You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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