They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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