If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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