I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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