I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
