brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
