Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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