ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
