when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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