I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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