my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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