So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize