You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
