P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
