i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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