thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she peed on how many people?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
