I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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