i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
