She is in my trunk
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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