Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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