Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
