i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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