I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
