You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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