My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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