Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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