guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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