you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
