found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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