just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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