If i come over, it means nothing
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
