I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
