what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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