nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
