I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize