Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
