Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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