it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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