There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I CAN MOONWALK!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
