Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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