Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
