Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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