i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
