3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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