I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
