Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
