Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
