How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
