How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
