i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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