hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
