I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
