the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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