i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
