Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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