There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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