Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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